You Might Also Like
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
the noise i just made
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
These are too funny not to post 😂
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit