My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was