Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Don’t forget to tip your server
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Oops I deleted….
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”