I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey