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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
A collection of me turning into random objects.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.