Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
This is why I hate group projects
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.