I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
my one true gender
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Not😆🤣
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.