They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
this isn’t threatening at all
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I wanna be friends with this person
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.