Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
i baked you a cake
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.