My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Why am I like this?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.