M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.