I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.