Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Beware…..
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
damn he’s good
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.