*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Love this guy
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.