[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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When you don’t understand how floors work
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore