Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I like crazy people until they notice me
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra