We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
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me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Day 2 of my diet
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.