I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Every photo I’m tagged in
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
U talkin 2 me?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that