Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Science memes
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.