If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
#polloftheday
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!