Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
You Might Also Like
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me trying to reach for my goals
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.