tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My wife gives the best headache.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
March 16
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]