Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers