[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Uh oh…
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous