Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.