someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Not all heroes wear capes.