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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Oh thanks BBC.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?