Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You Might Also Like
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig