Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.