Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL