Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
You Might Also Like
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.