“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine