What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird