Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?