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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
fly smarter, not harder
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.