people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.