I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
*knuckle tats*
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