Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You saw nothing. I am ham.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Spa day..😅
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight