Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.