None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?