Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I put the hot in psychotic.