men, we mow at sunrise.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.