If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.