At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10