CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
You Might Also Like
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
After 35, your body ages in dog years
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.