We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-