Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”