I’m going to need a moment here.
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades