Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.