Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
You Might Also Like
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I never needed anything more in my life
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem